me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
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Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.