ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
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I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok