[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
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@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.