I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
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As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.