*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
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{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Why is everyone getting married at me
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]