Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
You Might Also Like
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
happy valentine’s day to me
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.