Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
You Might Also Like
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.