HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
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*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG