Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
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My dog when she hears popcorn popping
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
inventing words: clothing
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.