I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
You Might Also Like
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
oh u like geography? name every lake
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery