Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
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This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Name another movie that mislead you?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Your secret is safeish with me
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.