Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?