Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
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Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
welcome back
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.