What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
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Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Not all heroes wear capes…
i’m still crying at this
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Worth remembering.