“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…