Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Happy thanksgiving!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW