I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My five year plan is a meteorite
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes