Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Monday Lisa
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.