Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
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No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.