I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
sounds kinky. i’m in.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.