As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
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The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Dammit Chief not again
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
2022: I can fix it
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy