i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
You Might Also Like
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents