I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
sistine chapel
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.