What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
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Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.