{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
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I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then