My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Thursday
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.