[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.