*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems