Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?