I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus