If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Spring of Deception
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“Why you watching this shit?”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.