If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*