(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
You Might Also Like
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I forgot how to panic. Help
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
What a year we’ve had this week.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no