[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
He wanted to make sure😂
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
New mindset, who dis?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”