hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
You Might Also Like
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes