Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
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haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
This is a sub tweet
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.