11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
You Might Also Like
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone