Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
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I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
The first one, obviously
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
You’ll be OK
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
podcasts
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance