Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.