Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
You Might Also Like
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Only short people can save us
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.