Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand