do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
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I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.