A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.