there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
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-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I put the hot in psychotic.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1