Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
lol
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.