“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.