Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Every haunted house movie:
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now