My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
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I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move