The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
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Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.