I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
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A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
happy friday
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Time heals everything 🙂
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
This is not me but this is me
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.